You Give Love a Bad Name
by BrightBlueSkies
Summary: A stray shot from a certain love inducing machine strikes the last person you thought it would. And that person sees the last person you thought he would see. Introducing the strangest ship this fandom's ever seen, let's give a warm welcome to Alice x Officer X.
1. Chapter 1

Officer X was always, ever since he lost his job, in a terrible mood. If anybody asked, it was all those penguins' fault. They did this. They did this to him. They did it on purpose, those crazy birds. And everybody else would roll their eyes and continue on with their day. What was it to them? Why should they get bothered by one crazy mans ramblings? They all just moved on.

He never did. It was like he couldn't. He was the type of man who would get a goal and finish it to completion. No matter the cost. No matter who got hurt in the process.

He would get his revenge at any price he needed to pay.

This had been his goal for the past twelve months. Twelve months of endless planning, plotting, scheming ways to end those miserable penguins lives. This had been his only purpose in life.

Until it suddenly wasn't.

* * *

Officer Owen Bartholomew Xanders lay on the cold cement. His head ached, and he was vaguely aware of a strange stinging sensation in his right shoulder. That concerned him, seeing as he hadn't been working out in any recent memory. He could hear a faint voice, like it was underwater. It sounded concerned. He was unable to make out any of the words the voice was saying, but it sounded urgent.

He needed to move.

That, of course, was near impossible. His legs wouldn't respond to him at all, like he had slept on them funny and they became numb overnight. As he regained his senses, memories from the night before flooded his mind. He was fighting. Who? The penguins, probably. Yes, yes, that sounded right. He had been in an epic battle... On the zoo grounds. Or was it the park? It didn't really matter.

He had made a plan.

He mentally screamed. The details of his plan became clear to him as the haze of his mind lifted. It had been so perfect! So planned out! He had accounted for every possible detail, or so he thought. The birds, they had... _shot_ something at him. From a bow of sorts. It had hit him.

The owner of the voice was shaking him now, he realized. It sounded more urgent than before.

The arrow, or lazer, had struck him in the shoulder. No wonder it stung.

He finally managed to move his hands into a somewhat coherent movement and rubbed his eyes. He managed to pry them both open, only for his retinas to be assaulted by bright, blinding light. He clenched them close again, but the shaking hands that had been grabbing his shoulder uncomfortably let go. He tried again to see who had woken him, he'd probably thank them if they hated the penguins too-

His eyes flicked open at last, and then he wondered if he had spent his entire life blind.

A woman kneeled before him, the sun illuminating her hair from behind, making it seem like a halo glowed around her. Long, soft red locks hung beautifully, framing her face in a pleasant way. Her eyes shone a brilliant emerald green, but looked so tired from stress that he wanted to cry. Two, pearly white earrings hung curiously from behind her ruby hair, and a green cap adorned her head like a crown.

It was zoo keeper Alice, someone he had become very acquainted with. Especially the heel of her boot. But never once in the year he had known her, had he ever thought of her as an angel sent down to earth. Because that's what he saw her as now.

His eyes widened despite the blinding light, as the newly recognized angel spoke to him.

"Y'all alright there?" She asked, looking mildly concerned. His heart fluttered in his chest, a feeling he had never known before. He stumbled and stuttered over words trying to answer. She rolled her eyes, her beautiful emerald orbs, and stood up from her kneeling position. She extended a hand to him, which he hesitantly reached for, and eventually took. Her hands were calloused and strong, hands of a fighter and of someone to respect. He had plenty of prior knowledge of her strength, mostly from all the attempted break-ins he had tried during open hours. She had kicked him to kingdom come each and every time.

She pulled him to his feet, and promptly let go. She glared at him, but he didn't notice. All he could think about was just how he had never noticed just how gorgeous this woman was.

"Okay, now get off of zoo property." She was now snearing, and shoving him to the zoo gates. He let himself be moved, and in the blink of an eye he was standing outside the black gates.

He swore under his breath.

He knew that, without a doubt, he was head over heels in love.

* * *

Kowalski squirmed under his leaders wrath. Skipper was giving him his famous glare, and his two other allies stood at either side of the short bird.

"I thought you destroyed that thing, soldier." He said calmly.

"Wuh-wuh-well... I can't- I couldn't-! I... Um." He blabbering came to a stop when Skipper cocked an eyebrow.

"Couldn't...?"

Kowalski cracked under the preasure.

"I couldn't just _leave it there!_ All broken and destroyed! It was a crime, I say! It would've been a crime to let such a beautiful piece of technology suffer!" He cried, falling over and covering his face with his flippers.

"Well congratulations, soldier! Your love thing just saved all our rears!" Skipper said, jolting Kowlaski out of his exaggerated sobbing. He looked up at him from where he was on the floor and cocked his head.

"Wait- what?"

"Did you even see what happened!? That was fantastic!" Private perked up. Rico nodded enthusiastically besides him. "Who'd of thought a little love zap would render Officer X unconscious?" He giggled at the memory.

"Uh huh! Zap zap he _dead!_ " Rico said, mimicking the shooting of the arrow.

"Well, I don't think he's quite dead, but Kowalski, your little invention might have saved us from one of the most well thought out plans ever constructed! The way he had every possible exit blocked, every camera broken, the zoo eveacuated... It was pure genius madness! The only thing that could've caught him off gaurd was even more genius madness! Well done Kowalski!" He hopped down from the TV and slapped Kowalski's back.

"Ow- ha ha! What did I tell you about my inventions?"

"Nevermind that! Say, Skipper? What would you say to a celebratory snowcone run?" Private asked.

"I'd say that's an amazing idea, Private! Let's go get snowcones!" He cheered.

As the penguins were leaving the closed hatch of their base, a thought struck Private.

"Hey, Kowalski?" He called.

"Yes?"

"What's going to happen when Officer X wakes up? It was a love ray after all."

"Well, I suppose he'll wake and fall in love with the first thing he sees. Which would be... Hilarious! Can you imagine? Officer X kissing a wall or something? We'd need to get a picture of that!"


	2. Flowers For the Lovely

Alice Walker was no scientist.

Literally anybody on the street could see her and say that was an undeniable fact.

But, despite that fact, she liked to think that she knew the one undeniable many have chosen to ignore.

Everybody was awful.

So what she couldn't comprehend was how this bundle of flowers ended up by her office door.

She picked up the bouquet, looking for any tags. There were none.

They seemed to be cobbled up from the many flowers that grew outside in the park, lots of red tulips and purple lilacs, and a single yellow daffodil sat in the center like a jewel. She plucked the yellow flower out, and turned it over in her palm.

The flowers were fresh, likely left only minutes before hand.

She went inside and dumped them in the trash.

If people wanted flowers delivered, then they should at least give a name of the person.

* * *

"Yo Alice!" Bill called, entering her office. She looked up from the stack paperwork that littered her desk. She promptly dropped her pen on floor, glad to have an excuse to stop counting out paychecks. She was very familiar with Bill, he had almost been working at the zoo as long as she had, and had the most tolerance when it came to the strange happenings that went on around them. She could appreciate a guy who could keep a level head.

"What is it, Bill?" She asked, leaning back in her swivel chair.

"Ah, jeeze, this a bad time?" He asked, poking his head through her door. He had spotted the dozens of files and the calculator on her desk, and recognized that Alice was busy. One too many new employees had disturbed her during, what she considered, the worst part of her day. He was backing out of her doorway, wanting to avoid her wrath.

"No. Now is fine. What is it?" She said, idly scratching her cheek.

"There's like a buncha... flowers in the garbage cans. No idea where they're coming from. Thought I'd let you know."

"Oh, yeah. Those. Someone's been dumping them at my door for the past... like, nine days? Anyway, they didn't have a name attached to the m so I had no idea who to give them to. Been throwing them out." She said. Bill looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

"...Alice?" He said slowly.

"What?" She didn't like the look he was giving her, it was a look that read 'are you stupid?', in big capital letters.

"Don't ya think those flowers are for, ya know... You?" He asked. She let out a bark of laughter.

"Pshh. Trust me, those aren't for me." She said.

"Then who else could they be for?" Bill asked, looking genuinely confused.

"I dunno. You, maybe?" She suggested. Bill's face immediately went red and he scampered out of her doorway, leaving the door swinging. She had learned early on that Bill was for some reason, really into sappy romance. It didn't really suit his large frame out his ragged face all too well, but she didn't judge.

She let out another huff of amusement. Flowers? For her? Absurd.

She continued to think that the poor sap leaving flowers at her door was simply getting an address wrong, until she found a red envelope next to one of the bouquets.

Inside was a poem.

 _'My heart burns for you_

 _For some strange reason I cannot know_

 _But my heart beats for you_

 _You, my sweet angel.'_

She blanched when she read it, not expecting it at all. Was this some sort of joke? It wasn't funny. And a waste of park flowers. She dumped the bouquet in the trash again, and after a single moment's hesitation, dumped the red card as well.

She was _done_ with all these flowers. She was going to stake out in front of her door the next time flowers were dropped, and she'd put a stop to it.

She was sick of it.

* * *

She pulled out a chair that had been folded up in hee garage for three years, dusted it off, and set it in front of her office door. The building she did paperwork in was strange, having two entrances to her office, one from the outside and one from within. She was seated next to the door facing away from her zoo, now looking at an empty park.

She could almost say it was beautiful, the way the morning sun just barely peeked over the skyscrapers in the distance, how the dew on the grass made it glitter in the newly forming gold rays. No birds chirped, no animal scurried about. It was completely silent, except for the fain whoosh of wind.

But Alice had long stopped noticing the beauty of nature, had long stopped noticing a lot of lovely things about the world.

So she sat there, reclined, cold. And she waited.

As the sun continued to rise, and slowly the world around her began to wake, she lost her grip on awareness.

Alice worked a constant, everyday, fifteen hour workshift. The only day off she had was on christmas, but besides that, her schedule was like clockwork. She singlehandedly did the job of four zookeepers, for fourteen hours minimum each day, and an extra, _unpaid_ , hour at the end to do paperwork.

Waking up early was not a new feeling for Alice, but waking up after only two hours of sleep was.

She passed out in front of her work.

* * *

"See anything?" Skipper asked, standing next to Kowalski .

"Affirmative, Skipper. It's Zookeeper Alice." The tall penguin said, lowering his binoculars.

"Alice? She's not usually here at this hour." Private said, looking over the roof of the zoo. True enough, the laying form of their zookeeper sat seven feet below them. She was snoring slightly. "What do you think she's doing?"

"She sleepin." Rico said, nodding wisely.

"Yes, she does indeed appear to be sleeping." Kowalski agreed. Skipper slapped him.

"That's what she wants you to think! Don't you see, boys? She's guarding something! She knows something. We need to find out what!" Skipper said, nearly shouting. The slumbering Alice below them stirred, and the other penguijs were quick to shush their leader.

"Are you trying to wake her up?!" Kowalski hissed, "I thought you said this mission was intel gathering only!"

"I've got to agree with Kowalski, Skipper. You know what they say about waking a sleeping bear." Private said. Rico nodded.

They all knew, at least to an extent, that Alice could quite literally crush them. She had fought all the animals in the zoo at least once, against the gorillas and the kangaroo, and had won in an instant. She was, technically, the greatest danger to their operation. Mostly because if she found out any information, they wouldn't be able to stop her from leaking it. She was not to be trusted, and to be wary of at all times.

And even Skipper had to admit, the woman was an inhuman powerhouse.

"Okay, fine. What are your ideas as to why she's here?" He asked, leaning back on his heels. He cocked an eyebrow at them.

"Leave her alone and let her sleep?" Private suggested. Skipper burst out in laughter, which was quickly silenced by Kowalski.

"No, seriously." Skipper said, catching his breath, "Options, men?"

The three penguins shrugged.

"Watch for more information. She's got to wake up eventually, we'll watch safely from the sidelines." Kowalski said.

"Leave and go back home and finish watching TV!" Private said.

"Kill 'er!" Rico said, earning concerned looks from the rest of his team. Rico quickly tucked the dagger he was holding behind his back.

Footsteps were heard on the sidewalk behind them. They immediately went quiet, and Kowalski picked up the binoculars again.

"It's Officer X!" He whispered.

"Him _again?_ Didn't we deal with him, like, a week ago?" Skipper hissed.

"Eleven days ago, Skipper. With the love ray, remember?" Private clarified.

"Oh, yeah. We never did find out what he fell in love with-" Skipper said, but cut himself off.

"Skipper?" Rico waved his flipper in front of his leader's beak.

" _He has flowers."_

"Oh, it appears he does- _oh my gosh_." Kowalski was now also dumbstruck.

"Guys? What is it? What's wrong?" Private asked.

"Yea! What is it?!" Rico asked as well.

"Well." Kowalski started. "This is going to be interesting."


	3. 10,000

**Hey.**

 **So. This is back.**

* * *

He froze.

The bouquet of flowers were crushed between his fingers, and he could practically hear his heartbeat race. She was just...

Lying there.

Alone, defenseless, almost stone still in the cool morning air. It was so unlike her, he had to take a moment to process it. Why would a woman so fierce be so... well, defenseless? Outside her work no less? _Asleep?_

He carefully trotted closer, paying careful mind to the various leaves that might crunch underfoot. Her sleeping form was that of an angel, to him. To others, she would probably be a weird homeless person, but to him she was a godsend. Why was she out there? Was she looking for _him?_ Was she _waiting_ for him?

Did she _know_ it was him?

Oh no. This was a disaster, he should've listened to his gut. She knew. She knew she knew SHE KNEW. She knew who he was and now she would never like the flowers because she freaking hated him-

His rather out of character blubbering came to a halt when she stirred on her chair. He immediately bolted, as quick a penguin, and climbed a tree. Her eyes fluttered breifly, before she settled back into slumber. He let out a breathe of relief. He looked her over more confidently now that he was several yards away.

His heart throbed in a way that made him he venture over and wake her up. Get her out of there, it was dangerous for a beautiful woman to be alone in the big city.

He should leave. He shouldn't have started leaving flowers. It was a just a stupid idea from the start, why did he think this was appropriate? They weren't school yard children. Something twisted violently in his stomach at the thought he'd bothered her. He'd bothered her enough that she'd risk herself on the city streets for probably hours on end- he was a monster. He slid down the tree and hung his head low, preparing to walk away.

And it only then, as he was brought down low by his own emotions, that he felt the familiar tingle of _eyes_ on his back.

He was being watched.

And if he was being watched... that meant she must be being watched as well.

And his vision went red.

* * *

She awoke to the feeling of a presence to her left.

Which was rather odd, as she never slept next to someone. Her schedule was too busy for that, and she highly doubted someone would willingly put themselves near her. She wasn't a people person, despite her job, and people usually recognized that.

This train of thought led her to snapping up and outright kicking the unfortunate freak who decided to camp out in her home.

A pained grunt from a man and a moment to orient herself, she realised where she was. She had been waiting for the weird person who had been leaving flowers everywhere. She looked over to the very frightened man who was clutching his nose as it bled out over his palms. Her eyes trailed down his arms to the rather crumpled bundle of roses in his right hand. Weird person located.

" _You're_ the weirdo who's been leaving flowers? Seriously?!" She asked incredulously.

The man, who she now recognized as the freak who tried to kidnap her animals frequently, froze stiff as a statue before hastily chucking the bouquet.

"Wha- Oh, _me?_ Oh no no no no- you must be mistaken. I- I would _never_ do something as, as, as, as... uuhh... Like that."

Alice cocked an eyebrow and the rather well-built stocky man cowered. She pointed wordlessly to the pile of crumpled flowers.

"O- Oh, _t- that?_ I, um, uhh..." His mouth gasped like a fish.

"Who are these for." Alice asked, rather bluntly.

"...y- you..?"

And there was a pregnant, silent pause that seemed to engulf the entire world.

After several moments of gazing into zookeeper Alice's stone expression, she asked in a quiet tone;

"I don't like _jokes,_ **sir,** so why don't you just get your penguin-napping rear out of _my_ zoo, and never show up again. Got it?"

And something inside the former pest control agent snapped.

"No! You, you don't _understand!_ Every time I look at you, I feel something I think I've never felt before, like I'm _burning_ from the inside out!" He dropped to his knees, desperate to at least try and explain the feelings that had gathered overnight. "Every time I see you it's like I'm dying, please, I'm so _sorry-"_

 _"Shut it!"_ She snapped, stomping in front of him. She took a deep breath in, looking more like she wanted to calm herself before she murdered someone than anything.

"I don't care. I don't care about your crazy fantasies, or your stupid failed attempts at romance, or any of your dumb tries at breaking into my zoo. Get out before I call the cops." She said. She turned on her heel, storming away into her office.

Owen was flabbergasted. His mind was racing as what he saw as his last chance of happiness walked away forever. This was it. He'd lose his job, his dignity, and nkw the only thing his heart had ever told him to love. Besides his work, of course. He needed to think fast, he didn't want the only light he'd ever really seen going out. His mouth tumbled for purchase, and right as Alice's hand reached the nob, he blurted-

"I'll give you ten-thousand dollars!"

Which made Alice give pause. She turned back, slowly, and cocked another eyebrow at him. Knowing her patience was running thin and her attention was waning, he quickly added;

"Five thousand up front- the other half after the first date. Just _one_ date, anywhere you want, my treat, the date will end when you want it to."

She continued to stare him, and he hastily shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out a notepad. Pulling out a pen, he scribbled on it briefly before lifting it up and ripping the page out. He showed it to her, and yes, it was a signed check to Alison Walker, for five thousand dollars. She walked calmly to him, and snatched the check from his hand.

"Tuesday, eight o'clock, after my shift, we're going to _La Llorana._ Wear something nice _."_

And she turned and walked inside. Officer X was left starstruck on the pavement, rubbing his finger where her hand had touched it.

* * *

Skipper lowered the binoculars.

"Huh."

"You know, I didn't think that would happen. Honestly thought nothing would happen really." Private said, scratching his head. Rico nodded besides him.

"Skipper?" Kowalski asked. Skipper seemed to be in a trance, watching their enemy look fondly at the blood he still had on his hand from his probaboy broken nose.

"Skipper...?" He tried again.

"Kowalski, how long did that love ray of yours last again?" Their leader asked at last. "It wasn't permanent, was it?"

"Eehh, no. Sadly I miss calculated. The effects of the love arrow should wear-off in about..." Kowalski pulled out a calculator. "Three months after the target is affected. So, about ninety days."

"And how long ago did you say he got zapped...?"

"Eleven days ago, Skipper."

A moment of silence was taken for all four of them to consider this.

"Well boys. It looks like we got our next priority set." Skipper said, at last standing strait and looking serious.

"And what would that be, Skipper?" Private asked.

"What do you think, you knucklehead?! Two of our greatest enemies are meeting up next Tuesday at a fancy-smancy restaurant! We're not going to stand around and let them team up! Move out men, we made this romance, and we're going to end it."


	4. Let's Go Get Decent

**OvO**

* * *

"Bill?"

"Yea, Alice?"

"If I happen to die in the next week or so can you please burn my house down? Don't want my relatives taking my stuff." Alice asked, sitting across from the rather rugged man. He nodded solemnly before munching on his sandwich. It was only after a few seconds did he seem to realize that there was something strange about that request.

"Uuhh, waitaminute. Why would ya die in the next week or so? Wha's the matter?" He asked, setting his lunch down. Alice shrugged.

"Nevermind." She said dismissively.

"You can't just say that and pretend like ya didn't. Come _on_ Al." He insisted.

"Yes I can. Watch me." She said, turning away.

"Al."

"Alice."

"Boss."

"Alice- oh nevermind. Just don't die, alright? You worry me sometimes." Bill said, dropping the subject.

Alice hummed.

* * *

Next Tuesday was coming far too slowly and far too quickly all at once. Officer X paced the floor of his crude apartment. Things were in even more disarray than usual (he had let himself go after he lost his job), the penguin-pins on the floor and nearly forgotten under his bed.

He was both excited and terrified for his date in exactly forty-three hours, fifty-seven minutes, and sixty two seconds. Sixty one. Sixty. Fifty-nine...

"Raahhhgg!" He screamed, flipping his side table over. He was dirt poor. He could not pay the ten thousand he now owed Alice, not without going into debt and getting nasty letters from the bank. He could hardly afford to go to that restaurant she had picked out- one of the biggest, most well known, _expensive_ joints in the city. He would have to pull a lot of strings to even get a reservation there.

 _She was going to be a leech_ , some backwards part of his mind whispered, _She'll drain you dry and then leave you to rot. Just like everybody else-_

But the whispering abruptly stopped as an image of her happy, genuinely happy, face sitting across from him appeared. She would smile and thank him, then they'd go dance in the huge expensive ballroom that place had, and she wouldn't look so haggard because she'd be having fun for the first time in probably years-

And it would be thanks to him.

He could do that for her, and that thought alone made the ache in his chest swell and writhe in blissful agony.

Screw the bank. Screw his debt.

If the last thing he did was make her smile, then so be it.

* * *

Chuck Charles sat alone in his trailer straightening out his hair. He collected a wad of gel on his fingers before slicking his grey locks up and over, completing his toupet. He smiled to the devilishly handsome man in the reflection, and was immediately charmed by the reflection's smile back. He was so absorbed in his news-anchor award winning face he didn't notice the fist until it was too late.

With the news anchor unconscious, Officer X set to work raiding the man's suitcases. He found a suit he hoped would fit, and just for good measure tied the old guy up before he left. He needed no followers.

Charles woke up an hour later.

"This is Chuck Charles, signing in to declare that my head hurts, oh jeeze..."

* * *

The receptionist snapped her gum loudly in the empty building. Having these 24 hour banks noadays were total bull. Why couldn't people learn to go get cash in their checks at a reasonable hour? _instead of three AM?!_

She sighed, resting her head down on her palm, her elbow against the counter. She was so tired, and it wasn't like there were going to be any patrons any time soon... The woman soon passed out on her swivel chair, unintentionally letting the retired officer waltz in after he tore all the cameras down.

He transferred ten thousand dollars into his bank account, and an extra forty thousand just for good measure before leaving.

He was almost certain no one would notice.

* * *

He picked up the phone and let it ring. Someone picked up ar the fourth ring, answering with a "This is Lathen speaking."

"Lathen, it's me, Xanders."

"Wha-? Oh it's you. What do you want?" The male voice said, sounding a lot less friendly now that he knew who was talking to him.

"I'm calling in the favor."

There was a silence over the phone.

Then Lathen sighed.

"What do you need?"

* * *

Alice rummaged in the bottom of her drawer for the umpteenth time that night. She pulled out several pairs of work shorts, a few pairs of old comfortable jeans, and a single skirt her mother bought her years ago for her birthday.

She examined the skirt, a short, pink, frilly thing that didn't look like it would have fit her when she was four. She tossed it across her room. Something to wear, something to wear...

She slammed the drawer shut and screamed into the pile of clothes on the dresser.

Going to the nicest place in town was one thing, getting paid to go there was another, going without a decent thing to wear was a whole other ball park. It was only after she ripped apart her closet, her desser, _and_ the underside of her bed did she realize that she did not own a single piece of what other woman called, _'fasionable clothing'_. She was a practical woman. She needed no heels, no gaudy nails or bracelets, though she did like her earrings and her makeup. And even those were more to keep up appearances at the zoo.

Her eyes trailed down towards to the still un-cashed check sitting on her bed, the pure white paper that was smudged with nearly unnoticeable brown finger prints.

She guessed it was time to go shopping.

* * *

The horribly peppy man that greeted her, whose smile was sickly sweet yet eyes more judgmental than a jury, practically squealed when she showed him a wad of money and said "need a dress."

He dragged her by the wrist deeper into the overly expensive store and shoved fabrics into her hands.

She held a soft pale green dress next to a dark blue one and he seemed to be judging which one looked better with her complexion.

"So darling~ what's the occasion? Hmm? Business? Friend's wedding? _Your wedding?"_ He said the last part with an almost deranged look in his eye. She snorted.

"Got a... Date, actually." God, that felt weird to say.

"Oohh~!" He waggled his eyebrows. "Who's the lucky someone? Is he nice? Is he a she?"

This was so weird.

"He's... Well I've known him a while..." She said, which was true. She had known him for at least six months, when he started sneaking into the zoo at night. Why did he do that? A small part of her started to question that maybe his attempts to steal the animals was actually an attempt to get her attention. Her mind started to slip down a slope at that thought, and the perky clerk's voice faded until he said-

"Okay! Yes! Yes, it's either this one-" He held up a short purple dress, "Or this one!" He said, tossing her a slightly longer green dress with a slit down the side. She took both of them, looking at their slimming waists and how much leg they would show off. They were nice dresses, admittedly, but she just... Couldn't imagine herself wearing them. Oh well- it was just for on night, after all.

"Alright darling, just go try them on tell me which one you like best, we'll have you fitted for one in no time!" He said, ushering her into a changing room. He shut the door swiftly and then she was alone.

Long story short, she hated both of them. Purple was just _not her color_ under any circumstances, and the green one showed off her tan line on her calf too much. She looked like someone had stuffed a Raggedy Anne doll into a Barbie doll's dress in both of them. She was so out of her element, she almost wished she was back at the zoo cleaning the bathrooms. Almost.

She took them both off, glad to be out of the restrictive death traps, redressed and left the room. The weirdly perky clerk was thankfully nowhere to be seen, so she took the opportunity to look over the outfits herself. She skimmed over them, not notcing nor caring about the fine details sewn into each one.

She rolled her eyes at the vibrant colors and sat down on a convenient bench. Except it wasn't a bench, but rather a stack of unnecessarily fancy boxes that she sat _through._ She quickly stood up, fully prepared to sprint out if this fancy clothing Hell, when she saw it.

Reaching down into the box and pulling out the soft fabric, she then walked back to the dressing room.

* * *

The suit was a tight fit, but it fit him. Kinda. If he didn't breath and tried not to sweat too much he'd look halfway normal, but that was fine. He held a gift in his left pocket, a tightly wrapped brooch and the other half of her payment inside. He drove up to the rather huge building that was nestled between to skyscrapers. Though the buildings towered over him, the realization that _this was actually happening_ loomed over him impossibly.

Officer X parked his admittedly nice car, a leftover from jobs prior, and got out with a shaking breath. He saw a hauntingly familiar silhouette standing in front if the glass doors, and he pushed down any nervousness he had. It would do no good to be terrified, he's only got one shot at this.

* * *

"Alright boys! The eagle has landed! Move Move MOVE!" Skipper barked, and immediately the four birds slid over to a large vent on the side of the building. They pried it open and slipped inside unseen.


	5. There's Something in the Air Tonight

Her dress was the color of hot embers.

Long, a dress that covered her legs and feet completely, but showed off both her arms and her shoulders. It was one of those dresses that would either work really well on someone, or horribly. It worked really well on Alice. And if X wasn't imagining it, he could practically see her sparkle in the dusk light. That's because it _was_ sparkling, as Alice had found out after she bought it. It was for some reason coated in discount glitter. Her hair down, it hung to the middle of her back.

Officer X felt his breath catch.

Alice stood in front if him, an eyebrow cocked. He had come to recognize that that was just one of her default looks. _Nothing to be worried about, keep it together, X._

"Well?" She asked, impatient.

The bouncer, a far more sophisticated guard than most, stood menacingly in front of the ornate glass doors. He stared at the pair, a cold gleam in his dark shades Owen could relate with. It was Lathen.

Lathen nodded his head at him, and X offered his hand to his date. She rolled her eyes and walked in, letting the much burllier man scramble after her. Lathen quickly followed, locking the door behind them. He then lifted a sign to the door that read;

 _"Sorry, we're all full."_

And thus the night began.

* * *

The restaurant once was a hotel with a small cafe. The cafe ended up being more popular than the actual hotel, and soon the small cafe consumed the entire building, renovating it into something more appropriate.

And so, it was the biggest restaurant in the city. A maze of private rooms, dance floors, kitchens, supply closets, tables and a sea of expensive smells.

Lathen brought them to an elevator and brought them to the top floor, where a small table set for two stood before a stage with a band playing classical music. The windows were impossibly large, giving them an excellent view of the setting sun. The room was well cleaned, well lit, and well furnished. And, besides the band, they were alone.

Alice thought it was strange that the bouncer also happened to be the waiter, but what did she know? She had never gone to a place quite as... _expensive_ as this. So it what if it was strange? It was nice.

"Please, sit." Lathen said, pulling out a chair. Both sat, and when Lathen had taken their orders for drinks, he left.

They sat in awkward silence, the music behind them the only thing keeping the room from being dead.

Officer X was completely still, but on the inside Owen was near to burst. He tried to dissect Alice's bored gaze, the way her eyes flicked lazily over the ornate menu. He tried, but found himself constantly distracted by the glimmer of the lights on her red hair, how she looked almost perfectly framed by the setting sun. He could get lost in the sighg for days.

"What're you staring at? Do I have something on my face?" Alice asked suddenly, looking up from the menu. X blustered.

"Oh! Uh- no. You're fine. You're just..." _Come on, Owen, say something romantic!_ "So... blocking the sun set..." _God dammit._

Alice gave him a look he couldn't quite decipher before returning to the menu.

He tapped his fingers absent mindedly on the table. What do gentlemen usually do on these dates?! They were usually very charming. X was good at animal control, not charming. He was no Prince Charming, could never be close when standing, or sitting, next to this princess. Don't guys usually offer their coat to the girl? Or was that only when it was raining? Officer X quickly shed his coat and held it out to her over the table.

"Hey, you, uh, it's pretty cold, in here, uh." He wheezed. "Take, uhm, coat."

She squinted at the coat, now very confused.

"Is that ripped-?" She was about to say, before X slammed his hands on the table and shouted;

"WAITER! PLEASE RETURN! WE ARE READY TO ORDER!" He picked up the little bell that would summon the waiter and shook it vigorously.

Alice sat quietly, thoroughly annoyed.

"We haven't even chosen out drinks yet, idiot." Alice muttered. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

" _Diabolical_." Skipper said, squinting at the scene playing out below him. The group of pengiuns were located in a convenient vent that was right above the table of Alice and Officer X.

"I dunno, Skipper. Maybe we _don't_ need to intervene on their date, it seems..." Private trailed off, trying to think or something to describe the immense awkwardness that was radiating from their table.

"To be slowly but surely going down the toilet." Kowalski finished.

"It not goin' slow!" Rico said, watching Alice look several times at her phone for the time.

Skipper slapped his flippers against all of their faces, twice.

"Don't you see, men?! It's all just a set up! A ruse to cover their true intentions! But. I. Won't. Fall. For. IT! I know the game they're playing at, and guess what?! Three can play at it, and I intend to be that third player." Skipper said.

"You... Want to join their date?" Private asked , confused.

"No! I want to ruin their plans!" He said, exasperated.

"Skipper, even if their night out was going perfectly, which it is not, how would we do that? Their table is out in the open, with an orchestra watching them, not to mention how there seems to be cameras mounted on each of the walls!" Kowalski explained.

Skipper giggled maniacally.

"That's the genius of it! We won't even have to go down there! We'll be back bome enjoying well deserved snow cones before you know it." He said.

Rico seemed very pleased, although Private and Kowalski shared a glance.

"Rico!" Skipper snapped. "Spit out some of those gas bombs. There's gonna be more than _love_ in the air tonight."

* * *

Alice idly chewed on the vinegar shrimp as her partner looked more flustered by the minute.

This wasn't the worst way to spend her night, she figured, she would get a free meal and a pocket full of cash by the end of it. Doesn't mean she had to enjoy it, or her company.

Just then, a strong whiff of... something floated over to their table. It was musty, and almost had an acidic tang to it. She sniffed the air again, and although her nose had been sharpened by years of zoo work, she could not place where the scent was coming from.

Officer X smelled it too, but he recognized it. It smelled too much like the leaky stove in his crappy apartment when he would use it and the gas would continue pouring out into his house, forcing him to open the windows and air out the place. It made a familiar tingle run down his spine, telling him that they were not alone.

And, in true Officer X fashion, his mind immediately went to-

" _Penguins_." He growled.

Alice blinked.

"...What?"

"You smell it, right?" X continued, "that rotting lemon smell?"

Alice nodded. "What's that have to do with penguins? That's definitely not what penguins smell like, trust me, I would know."

"It's _gas_. The type of gas you use in burner stove." He said, eyebrows furrowing.

"Oh. Think there's something wrong in the kitchen?" She asked, wondering if this could be her excuse to leave.

"No! It's-" Owen caught himself. He wanted desperately to scream out the flightless bird's names, track them down and make them pay. But that... He looked back over at Alice, her hair falling over her shoulders in gentle waves. Well, safe to say trying to kill a bunch of birds wasn't that great of a first date. Especially if your date worked extensively with said birds.

"-Bad shrimp. Should've know such a fancy place would use expired food." He quickly said, cheering internally when Alice seemed to by it.

"Expired shrimp gives off gas?! What the Hell! You'd think someone would say something like that on the news or something." She said, now pushing away her plate of shrimp. It was too bad, that shrimp was actually pretty good.

"Yea, ha ha. Sorry about that." He apologized, relaxing somewhat. Then he remembered the real reason for the gas.

"WE SHOULD GO DOWN TO THE DANCE FLOOR INSTEAD." He said suddenly and very loudly. Alice blanched, surprised at the outburst.

He cleared his throat. "You-you know, because we can't eat the food but I heard their DJ is pretty good."

She was again baffled by her partner's behavior.

She didn't dance. Not anymore, anyway. She stopped doing that. She avoided dancing and music like the plague. But here she was, with a man she hardly knew extending his hand out her, hopefully, like she was the most powerful thing in the world, and he was asking her to go dance.

She sighed, and took the outstretched palm.

 _Do it for the money, Alice. Do it for the cash._


	6. A Fire Between Us

A trip down an elevator later, and Alice found herself in the most expensive place she'd ever been in. Like the model perfect pictures in magazines that showed off the rich houses celebrities owned. Except this wasn't a picture she could look at, it was a reality she could look at. She could touch it, get that taste of the upper class for just tonight.

Officer X seemed to shuffle in place, mouth opening and closing like a fish. He held out his palm awkardly, like he was gesturing to go to the dance floor a few yards away, but he was too hesitant, and seemed to falter when she didn't respond. Alice peered over the sea of heads that swam around the floor, looking at the nearly royal dresses and suit the many couple wore. She looked back to her partner, awkward as he was, and to his still outstretched hand.

"Fine!" She said at last, concedingly. "Let's get this over with."

She took his hand, and while she would deny to any who asked, she enjoyed the gleeful smile that spread over X's face. It had been so, so so long since someone had liked her for her, not her skills or her job. She couldn't even remember a time where someone had gawked at her like she was beautiful the way he did. And while she knew their... _Thing_ , would never work out, she could appreciate it while it was there.

He brought her into the pool of bobbing heads, and they began a slow waltz to the soft classical music. She hadn't danced in a long time, had no reason to after what had happened at her senior prom ages ago. But she could immediately tell that her partner was inexperienced, just a couple seconds or steps behind, and she ended up taking the lead. She was almost annoyed, but the sheer gratefulness of that dumb smirk seemed to wash everything else away.

She was in a dress for the first time in what seemed like eons, she was dancing in a ballroom bigger than her house, with a man who looked at her like she was a Goddess, and surrounded by the upper class, who chatted calmly with their partners. She was way out of her league, she knew. She didn't belong here, she thought. This wouldn't ever last, she felt.

But none of that really mattered to her at that moment, because for the first time ever in Alice's life, she felt like a princess.

And if Owen brightened tenfold when she gave him a small smirk, well, she didn't have to admit thats either.

* * *

Unbeknownst to them, levels above them flammable gas spread throughout out the ventilation. With every passing minute, it drew closer to the kitchens. And with the kitchens, came the gas lit stoves and stacks of flammable wines.

Their date night was about to become a lot more interesting.

So as they danced, the clock ticked forward towards impeding doom, and four penguins slid out of the building, unseen, towards the central park zoo.

* * *

The music changed, suddenly. The slow, almost casual waltz ended, and in its place came something that honestly was more at home at a rave. A techno bop tune, with a heavy bass flooded the speakers. It reminded Alice of the lemurs at the zoo. She was not a fan. The music was too loud, too perky, too obnoxious.

But. The look of pure unfiltered terror that flitted across Owen's face made her pause. She could be nice, offer to stop dancing, go get some fruit punch or wine or whatever the hell they were serving, or she could maybe mess with her date a bit. He was so, so bad at dancing, and the terror that glazed his eyes told her more than she needed to know about his skills in dancing to techno bop.

Before her mind knew what she decided, her hands had already snatched him forward and twirled him. And yes, the look of utter surprise made everything worth it.

She pulled him along, so fast Officer X could barely keep up. He glanced around and saw that many of the dancers had started doing the same. Moving their hips in sinc to their partner, the spinning and twriling, the flashes of expensive jewelry in the light as they moved. He looked back to Alice, this inhuman being, and saw much the same. Except with her, he could see her face. And of all the looks she had given him in the last lifetime, this one could possibly the most exciting. It was a challenge. It was of glee and energy and sometihng that asked ' _can you keep up?_ '

And well, Goddess or no, Officer X never backed down to a challenge.

And as the tempo picked up, and as X's steps became less and less unsure, it came to both of them. They were having fun. To Owen, it was a miracle. To Alice, it was bizzare. And has the song had its crescendo, the two found themselves mere inches apart, their hearts hammering and their breaths hot. Owen could see into the sea of blues and greens that were Alice's eyes, how they almost sparkled in the light. Alice couldn't really see X's eyes at all, due to his sunglasses.

And then that moment came crashing down, literally.

Officer X barely had a second to shove Alice out of the way as a flaming support beam from the ceiling came crashing down to the floor. Screams broke out immediately. Other flaming or smoking debris fell from the large ceiling above them, and with the many people scrabbling to escape, it made it near impossible to dodge. It was a good thing both Alice and Officer X had experience with weird things on the daily.

"The door!" Owen shouted, pushing through the crowd. He was mentally berating himself, how could he have forgotten?! He had smelled the gas mere minute before hand! It was the whole reason he had asked her to go dance! He must've gotten lost in the music and forgot.

Just then, a familiar figure burst thethh the smoke.

"Lathen!" X called, glad to see him. He grabbed Alice's wrist and dragged her closer to the exit.

"Everybody!" Lathen called, "Head downstairs and into the main hall! It's clear of smoke and the door is unlokced! hurry!"

it was Alice's turn to grab at Owen's hand now, as she tugged him out of the way of a smoldering ceiling light. Unfortunately, she tripped on her long dress, falling over. Owen was at her side in an instant, pulling her to her feet. By the time they were both up, they were just in time to see the exit archway collapse in a heap of rubble. Through the gabs of smoking wood, Alice could see their waiter from before.

Alice and Owen ran towards the rubble, and both Owen and Lathen tried digging through it. That was a mistake, it was still too hot to touch. X reared back in pain, hissing through his teeth.

"It's no use!" Lathen shouted, "You're gonna have to find another way! Is there anybody else trapped!?"

Alice glanced around. "No! We're the only ones!" She called back.

"Then you're gonna have to go to the roof! There's a fire ladder up there! Use it to climb back down! There's a staircase up through the doorbehind the DJ station!" Lathen all but screamed. "Hurry, and good luck!"

"Thank you, Lathen!" X called through the smoke, and the other made no reply as he ran down the hall.

"You know him?" Alice asked as they ran towards the DJ booth.

"Old friend. Did him a favor, once. We didn't part on good terms." Owen explained.

They made it to the door and found the metal handle too hot to touch. As Owen explained this, Alice grabbed a hole in her dress, one that appeared when she had tripped and fell, and yanked on the silken material. It ripped. She tore off the bottom part of her dress, flinging the leftover cloth behing her, ignoring the way the fire boomed when it touched the flames.

It the long dress's wake, was left a tattered, disheveled short dress, that showed a pair of well loved hiking boots.

"You wore your work boots to a date?" Officer X asked through the crackling fire.

"I'd wear these boots to hell and back! Now back up!" Alice shouted. Owen had to again dodge as Alice's heal made contact with the wooden door, splintering it and knocking it down. She barged through, tattered dress waving behind her, and again Owen was struck with just how amazing this woman was. She turned, haloed by the smoking embers, and held out her hand.

"Let's go." She said, her voice laced with determination. And despite the raging fires, Officer X felt chills.


	7. An Unlikely Duo

The flavor of the apple strudel was like nothing Alice had ever tasted. Sweet, with a very flakey crust, just a touch of butter, it was one of the best things she had ever eaten. Which was odd, really. She's been to this coffee shop probably a thousand times before, had this exact same treat before, but it didn't taste the way it did now. Like heaven on her tongue. She heard once from a late night TV program that excessive stress and adrenaline made things taste better. Which would explain it honestly, given what just happened.

She peered across the table to her partner. His suit, while it had been ill-fitting before, was now in tatters. Scorch marks littered the arms, the hems of the jacket were charring off, rips and tears all along the pants as well as a fine layer of ash coated him. Yes, Officer X certainly looked like he'd seen better days, but despite this, he had a lazy smile stretched across his face as he looked longingly at her.

Of course, she probably looked like hell too. She had all the same rips and burns, and probably looked worse in her shredded dress and combat boots. Her hair was all frazzled and singed to her dismay, and she knew she'd have to get it cut to look presentable at the zoo. She didn't know what to think about this night. It had been... invigorating, in a way. Exciting. Like back at home with her military dad who would kick down the door and start an emergency practice drill that were more for killing time and making a fort outside than anything practical. That was one of the only fond memories she had of her family, before everything went to shit.

"So..." Owen began, uncertain of himself. There had been an awkward silence between them again, but unlike before it was companionable. They understood each other just a bit more.

"Yeah. That happened." She said dryly.

After they had scaled the tall building all the way up to the roof, they had frantically searched for the escape stairs on the side of the building. They had found it, but the bolts holding it in were old, and were on the verge of simply collapsing. Alice hadn't known what to do, she wasn't a quick thinker. And the gravity of their situation was finally setting in. She had thought this was it. This is how she died. But Officer X, to her astonishment, ripped the flimsy metal from the bolts, so that the long escape stairs hung off the building at an angle, scooped her up with one arm, and jumped. She, rather embarrassingly, screamed like a damsel in distress. But apparently X knew what he was doing, and landed on the metal grating of the still falling emergency stairs. This jerked the rusty metal forward, so it fell even farther, and they rode it to the building beside them, X somehow not panicking throughout all of this and leaping at the last second into a window.

They had crashed into some artist's apartment, got covered in glass shards, and promptly left.

All in All, it had been hectic, and shouldn't have been nearly as fun as it had been. She wasn't quite sure however how they'd ended up in her favorite coffee shop, but she wasn't complaining.

"I just- look I-!" Owen seemed to struggle with words. "I'm sorry. Tonight... Wasn't supposed to be like this."

Alice snorted around her frapachino. "No duh." She said. This caused Owen to look away dejectedly, and Alice realized with a slight pang to her chest that she didn't want that. Alice had never been good at being soft, as a matter of fact, she was quite terrible at it. She was good at being sarcastic, at being mean to assholes, at pushing people away.

"Hey hey hey, it's not like that." She said quickly. Owen looked back up at her and set his coffee down. It was a plain black coffee that had all the sugar packets dumped into it.

"I, uh... I had fun." She said quietly, not sure how to say that without sounding crazy. She looked away and coughed.

"Really?!" Owen's shades covered his eyes, but she swore she could see his eyes sparkling.

"You don't... Think I'm crazy?" She asked slowly.

"What? No! That had been the most action I've seen in _ages_!" He said excitedly. "And it was the literally the best thing to go through a burning building with someone who knew what they were doing! Tell me, tell me, where did you learn taekwondo?"

"From my brother, actually. He had studied martial arts and... I just sort of got lessons from him." She said, a strange feeling bubbling up inside her.

"And the way you kicked down metal doors?! How strong are you!?" He asked, the smile on his face bright and genuine.

She smirked suddenly, "I've wrestled angry tigers, kangaroos, and leopards before, doors are nothing." She said, then added, "And a very upset elephant, but that's only when he gets hungry."

"Wow." He said dreamily, and Alice just sat there soaking up the praise. There was another bout of silence after that, like neither of them knew how to continue the conversation. Alice found, to her complete surprise, that she wanted to keep talking. She wanted to talk. She usually _hated_ talking. But the idea of ending this conversation now, simply getting up and going their separate ways, didn't sit well in her.

"But hey, you were pretty cool out there too." She said, and it was true. He showed a shocking amount of aerobics and flexibility considering his size. And he was a big man, now that she really looked. Not nearly as big as Bill, that guy was a pack horse, but he was big. Muscular. She found that she could appreciate that.

"You think so?" He asked earnestly. Owen knew, in the back of his mind, that if he wasn't so head over heels for this woman he wouldn't need her approval of his abilities at all. But he was head over heels for her, so enraptured by her, that every compliment made his heart soar.

"Oh yeah, that bit with the metal stairway thing? That hung off the side of the building? Was awesome. We swung that thing into another building! You didn't even break a sweat!" She said, deliberately leaving out the part where she screamed like a small child.

"Ah well," he said, puffing out his chest a bit, "I was in the circus for a bit, so I know my way around dangerous heights."

"No way. The circus? _you?_ Were you like, like a rope walker or something?" She asked.

"Nah, I was ringmaster." He said.

"What? Ringmaster? Like the guy in charge? Naaahh." And their conversation continued like that. They talked about the crazy things that had happened that night, their previous jobs, the general insanity that seemed to stalk both of them no matter where they went. They talked about their families, and found that they were both estranged from them, of they hadn't contacted their parents in years. They had a lot in common they found out, they both had experience with animals, and fighting, and being casual jerks to people.

It was like the awkward, almost painful atmosphere before had melted away, bringing forth a pleasant companionship. And for the first time in a long time, something that seemed to shock Alice more than anything else that had happened, she felt like she had a friend. And if being nicer to keep said friend, to make him happy, to make him like her back, she found that she'd be nicer in a heartbeat. And she didn't know what to feel about that.


	8. Aftermath and Afterthoughts

She was tired the next day. Of course she was, she had ran through a burning building quickly filling with smoke with a man who seemed to adore her. The fact that someone seemed to adore her might just be the most confusing part.

Before heading into work, Alice had to go through her daily routine. Take a shower, put on clothes, put on makeup, get coffee, eat food. It was a routine she had beaten to death over the years, resurrected and then beat again. She was currently in the 'put on makeup' stage of her routine. But instead of doing that, she just stared herself down in the mirror.

She looked _tired._ Heavy bags hung under her eyes, her eyes themselves were red and irritated. She looked more tired than she felt. She ran a hand over her jaw, finding it to be lacking. Her hair, having just been washed, was stringy and clung to her face. Without her makeup, her complexion was much more pale, like she had lost blood or something. Maybe she should go out more. She didn't just look tired, she looked like a mess.

An ugly mess.

Sighing, she looked over to her makeup kit and attempted to hide the bags under her eyes. Tired or not, she had a job to go to.

* * *

Officer X felt accomplished. He had taken the girl of his dream out on a date, and she hadn't immediately killed him! She even said she'd be open to another (admittedly less exciting) date in the future.

That was fantastic!

He felt giddy, and he had to restrain himself from squealing in his own home as to not wake the neighbors.

But this brought up other problems as well, he came to realize. He hadn't been in a real relationship in... years. He could barely remember her face, let alone what they did together. Why did they break up? Owen thought about his last girlfriend. They had been young, and they had been having financial difficulties. Rent was too high in their shared apartment, and they both had to use most of their salaries to even eat. Money was scarce, and when she had suddenly stopped pulling her weight, argument arose.

They had broken up after that. Just thinking about it made him mad. So, step one of a relationship: financial stability.

He looked around his tiny, dirty apartment, jobless and in a stolen suit three sizes too small, and decided he was definitely not financially stable. He had just about worked every other job on Earth at this point, and had gotten fired from all of them for a variety of reasons. Some of them penguins. Most of them about the penguins. Maybe all of them.

Nonetheless! He needed an income so it wouldn't seem like he was just hanging around Alice for money. How much did a zookeeper make anyway? He felt like it should be a lot, but his mind had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't the case. He was just going to have to get enough money for the both of them, then. His, (hopefully) future girlfriend wouldn't ever know want, she'd have it all.

Girls liked jewels and rings and things, right? His mind ran through countless possibilities of what he'd use the money (he'd undoubtedly acquire) for. He tried to envision himself giving Alice a necklace and frowned when he couldn't picture it. Somehow, it just seemed Alice wasn't the type for too much gaudy jewelry. He knew himself that it wasn't wise to wear expensive things when working with animals.

What would she like? Every other time he had seen the woman she had seemed so... annoyed. Annoyed with the world, annoyed with everyone in it. He had overheard her give tours of the zoo once. Her voice had sounded so sarcastic it was a miracle the kids she was talking to didn't notice.

It occurred to X, then, that maybe she needed a day off. He didn't know how to give that to her.

He was getting ahead of himself, anyway. He'd cross that bridge when he got to it. First, he needed to cure his money ailment. ailment being in he was poor as all hell and couldn't get a job.

He frowned, thinking hard. Who'd hire him this time of year? He looked down at his hands and flexed them twice, the strong muscles moving under the once expensive suit.

He froze.

Maybe he didn't need a job to have a lot of money.

* * *

"Hey, Skipper? Alice seems really tired, do you think we overdid it last night?" Private asked, turning to skipper. They were out in their little fenced off area, watching and waving to the kids who walked by. Alice had come in at her normal time, long before any guests had arrived, but had dragged her feet and slumped all throughout her normal chores. She kept yawning, and had actually canceled morning tours for the day.

"Nonsense, Private! She's the enemy! It's all likely a trick to make us lower our guard." Skipper said, waving him off Private frowned. He didn't think that was the case.

"Maybe we should go check in on her." The little penguin said, and Skipper scoffed.

"Private, she's fine! She's made of the toughest stuff out there! I've never seen a woman who can wrestle a kangaroo with one arm before! I've never seen a _professional wrestler_ wrestle a kangaroo before!" Skipper said, throwing his flippers into the air.

"He's right, Private." Kowalski piped in, "That woman could be classified as a natural disaster in hiking boots."

"But didn't she just seem so... so quiet?" Private asked, "She usually has this... this... I don't know how to describe it." Private slumped.

"I think what you're trying to say is that she commands respect from all the animals at the zoo to such a degree that her mere presence can be sensed when she draws near?" Kowalski guessed, and Private blinked.

"Yea, that's exactly it."

"It doesn't matter!" Skipper said, "She's working against us! We're not going to check in on her."

"Well, maybe you're not, but I am." Private said defiantly.

"And why's that!?" Skipper asked.

"She controls the food, and she hasn't fed us today." Private said, and waddled off. In the face of such logic, even Skipper was stumped. Private had a point, and a good one too.

"Alright, boys! Move out! We're going to go spy on the enemy." Skipper declared.

Meanwhile, Rico ate all the fish they had been given in the morning in relative comfort, hiding away in their bunker. The rest of the team could go find their own meals today, these fish were _his._


End file.
